Family psychologist Elena Larina, using a specific example, explains why women who make all decisions in the family alone risk losing their husband and what to do to prevent this from happening.
Victoria is a middle-aged woman with a direct, attentive look. Her figure is directed forward, as if in readiness to run somewhere, to act. She even sits on the edge of the chair, ready to break loose at any moment. A difficult relationship with her husband brought me to me.
Vika said that with Kostya she studied at the same institute. An active, self-confident girl immediately singled out a handsome, slightly detached young man from classmates, the first met him and offered to get married herself.
After the university, the couple began to work at one enterprise, where Victoria first got a job, and then she added her husband to a good place. Everything is nearby, everything is under control. Kostya is a calm man, not very initiative, but Victoria had enough energy for two of them. It seemed strange to Vika that her husband spent all evenings at home with a book, but attributed this to the costs of leisure. Although Kostya did not want to give the cottage categorically, his wife bought a plot. Vika felt that her husband simply does not understand how great it is to spend free time in the fresh air, to build something with ecstasy, to dig, to plant. And Kostya, six months after the purchase of the "estate", packed up his things and quietly drove off to his work colleague while his wife was in the country.
For her, it was a shock. Her Kostya could not just pick up and leave! She did everything for him! But then she and Victoria, so as not to give up! By persuasion, promises, manipulations, washing and riding Kostya was returned to the family. And Victoria immediately became pregnant, again without asking her husband's wishes. But he, it turned out, was not sure that he was ready to become a father.
A son is born. Kostya loves Stasik, but there is no warm relationship with his wife.
Although the husband does not give reasons for jealousy, Vika thinks that Kostya can leave again when his son grows up.
Victoria’s request to me: how to prevent her husband from leaving, and how to stop worrying about it.
Why did I name the case of Victoria Gerda syndrome, which is for us the personification of selfless love?
The fact is that everything is not so simple with this Gerda. In the fairy tale, Kai leaves her grandmother and Gerda in another life for another woman – the beautiful and bright Snow Queen, but the devoted girl Gerda believes that she knows much better what Kai needs. She attributes his decision to leave to the splinter of a magic mirror (isn’t it convenient?), And not to the fact that Kai has matured.
Having overcome all imaginable and unimaginable obstacles, Gerda nevertheless pulls Kai out of the ice palace and, having depreciated his achievements, returns to his grandmother’s closet under the roof, and at the same time closer to herself. Have you seen such Gerds in your life? In my practice there were a lot of them. Vika is one of them.
Life is complex and simple at the same time. It is impossible to stop worrying, trying to control everything around, and especially another person. It is a huge mistake to disregard the opinion of another: in the end they will cease to reckon with you, they will run away from you, and at least to the Snow Queen, who does not control every step you take.
Making significant decisions for herself and her husband, Victoria showed that she does not respect Kostya as a person and, in fact, considers him an extras in her life. Is there love in such a relationship? No. But power lust and pride is full. If she does not realize this and does not change internally, Victoria is very likely to lose her husband. He will either leave or start drinking.
From this angle, Victoria never looked at her family life, but found the strength to look at herself from the side and decided to change. I advised at the beginning of this difficult journey, first of all, to talk with my husband – to open your heart, talk about your love for him, about the mistakes and errors that were committed and will probably happen again. The main thing is to convince the husband that she is determined to change, then it is important to listen to what the husband will say in response. Even if the answer is unpleasant and tough, it must be accepted with humility.
The most important thing for Victoria is to hear her beloved and understand him. When everything is said and heard by both spouses, we can talk about the beginning of a new relationship.
It is always difficult to change, but a change in one family member will invariably entail a change in all the others. Starting to change herself, Victoria will give Kostya the opportunity to see her face (she will turn around in his side, towards him), and not her back. It is a long and difficult path, but it is the path to happiness.
You can ask your questions to psychologist Elena Larina by e-mail [email protected]